When I woke up Saturday morning I saw many messages pumping through WhatsApp from a certain Mr Joe Purnell (saved as ‘joe bastard’ In my phone) way past bedtime. It was to my surprise that he replied ‘all good’ to my call for a 10:30 pick up at my house. Little did I know he was tucking into a gentrified avo on toast at this time and didn’t rock up to my little corner of the world until 11:15. This, coupled with somehow managing to order 60 curries despite only 26 being ordered, surely deemed him worthy of the ignominious dick of the day award.

Your reading this proves otherwise, and wow what a dick I am.

2s were coming off the back of a thumping victory courtesy of a Ron Basnet 4fer and a Merilaht 170 red, but were without both for this crucial top 4 clash against Staines.
returning however was ex cricketer and current vibe magnet Philiiiiiip Dorsett and Badger ‘dickhead’ Ewins.

Neither of these two would have any significant impact on the game, however, and it was the young gun Tanguy Durrant who started off with aplomb after we lost the toss and were asked to field.

Two leaves, two clatterings of the stumps sandwiched by a catch to a perfectly set field saw Staines lamenting their decision to bat first at 20-3. Another wicket from tang saw the Staines side floundering at 23-4.

Then the big moment came and why you are reading this report. Tang pitches it up, it shapes away taking the edge that was swallowed by the keeper.

Or rather, should have been swallowed by the keeper had he not been an utter dick.
Celebrating before the ball had even hit my gloves, the ball thumped into my sternum and trickled away.
F***.

At least it didn’t cost us much. The partnership was broken by Shiggy with the total now standing at 128, making the mistake worth a meagre 105.

105 runs scored on a cricket field as a result of my actions - my greatest achievement to date by a margin of 7 runs.

Excellent pressure thereafter saw Staines restricted to 183, with shig and Dharmesh grabbing a couple each, as well as Tanguy returning and saving my blushes by nipping one down the slope and straight into a man called Gustav’s pad (via his bat but beggars can’t be choosers).
At least Tang could look me in the eye after.

The highlight of tea was some delightful Millionaires shortbread, which was thoroughly enjoyed by big shoulders hatton who demolished 4 with ease. Badger also stole joes cheese and pickle sandwich in a desperate bid for his approval. Their relationship is a confusing one which I find it best to not engage too much in.

Anywho - 2 aging batsmen and three shit shots later and the Roeys were on the back foot at 34-3. This brought together Mr Joe ‘ooh look at me I’m hungover’ Purnell and Rohan ‘wheeler dealer’ Sharma.

They elected to show us just how rubbish the top 3 were by boshing old blokes to all parts, until joe snicked off leaving us 125-4. This led to a particularly vocal Stains player asking every one of the players ‘do you believe’. I can only assume he was asking about a victory rather than a belief in a higher omnipotent deity.

Well they clearly didn’t believe (in the former - the latter is their own business) and Rohan and Badger got busy knocking off the rest. A hoik saw Rohan drag on and badger got skittled by a man 5 times his age (and only 2 times Philip’s).

Staines had their tales up at 7 down, but their hope was dashed by the big levers of Mr Hatton.

His focus sharpened by a week of set building for the year 6 play, he boshed 3 fours to take the Roeys home with 8 overs and 3 wickets to spare. A good strong win from the Roeys showing that when their aging top order fails there is plenty more in the tank (and badger too).

Player of the Match goes to Tanguy for his 5 for nothing, honourable mentions to Joe and Rohan for their 90 partnership that broke the back of the game.

Dick of the day for me for dropping an absolute goober that stopped us being home for half six.